A: I believe in putting in reasonable effort for reasonable results, that's why I'm a banker.

B: I put in maximum effort for maximum results.

A: That's why you're a lawyer.

C: I put in minimum effort for maximum results.

A: Then why are you working. Just marry a rich woman!

Got this off Skadden Insider and had a good laugh so thought I'll share it:

We're sad to see that Skadden's former summer associate celebrity, Jonas Blank, has left the firm. You'll remember Jonas (Duke undergrad, Harvard Law) from the summer of 2003 when he mistakenly sent an e-mail meant for his friend Melissa to an in-house distribution list of about 40 attorneys. To refresh your recollection:

“I’m busy doing jack shit. Went to a nice 2hr sushi lunch today at Sushi Zen. Nice place. Spent the rest of the day typing e-mails and bullshitting with people.” Jonas did, unfortunately, have a bit of work to take care of (corporate-finance deal; yawn), so he needed to “peruse these materials and not be a fuckup.” But he couldn’t complain; he was, after all, a summer associate. He signed off, “So yeah, Corporate Love hasn’t worn off yet… . But just give me time.”

Of course the e-mail was forwarded (quickly) and it made the rounds through the legal community. Skadden thought of scolding those of us who sent it on to friends outside the firm until they realized that some partners had done it as well. Jonas quickly sent an apology (with a spelling error in it) and forever more became part of big firm summer associate lore.

The e-mail of course didn't affect his career with Skadden. He was offered a job and spent a few years at the firm. But on March 23, 2007, he left. Sometime in April he starts as an associate at Richards, Kibbe & Orbe in New York.

Good luck Jonas.

Update:

We forgot to mention what Jonas wrote in his farewell e-mail: "This has been an experience I will never forget. Thank you to everyone who made it possible."

Oh Jonas, you made it a pretty interesting experience all by yourself.

Thanks to T for this.

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dilbert-type managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(Hallmark Cards Executive)

Friend: It's ironic. Project 'Holiday' coincided with both Christmas and Chinese New Year.

Chinese New Year Visits

Friend (who is a pupil in a law firm): ...anyway a lot of relatives think I earn 10K a month.

Friend: that's so WTF!!!

Me: Hey I want to pick up something new, like learn Cantonese. Want to learn together?

Friend: We can learn about the Securities and Futures Act and listing manual together.

The Chinese New Year post.

WongP pupil: We have a Lo Hei* session.

Me: Oh we have one too.

WongP pupil: Oh yah, [your firm] very atas one lah... you all will have whale or arrowana for Lo Hei.

Friend, whom I subsequently related the conversation to: Lol! you should have told them "lucky you’re not tossing guppies and ikan bilis, like (insert cannot-make-it firm)”

*For foreign readers, Lo Hei is defined here.