Monday, April 30, 2007

I really can't stand The Dance Floor commentary.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Full Circle.

I got my last university assignment back yesterday.

I saw young kids going for the law interview.

I need to return my mailbox key.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Friend (whose exams are over): YES! I'm a law graduate.

Me: Yeah yeah, I'm still a bloody student.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Friend: Can you update your blog? It's still the "STOP POKING ME ENTRY." I've seen it on my screen 10 times.

Me: How can you have seen it 10 times. I just wrote that today!

Friend: Yes. I refuse to believe my rss is working. How can not a single soul update their blogs!

CAN PEOPLE STOP POKING ME ON FACEBOOK.

Btw what's poke for?

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

5pm.

Me: I'm LOGGING OFF MSN to study.

1opm, I log on.

Friend, instantaneously: YOU'RE ON MSN!

Me: Shuddup lah. 5 min only. I came online to wish people good luck for exams tomorrow. And read blogs.

Friend: noble cause!

Monday, April 23, 2007

I was sending the sister somewhere and the radio was set to perfect 10. Some dumb pop song was playing.

Sister: I bet you don't know who sang this.

Me: Sounds like Britney Spears.

Sister: (in a tone that says i'm damn stupid): Britney spears is in REHAB.

Me: who cares.

Me: Do you watch Heroes?

Student: No.

Me: Nevermind. You're as cool as this character in that TV show. You can TELEPORT! See! In one sentence you can change the tense four times! past-future-present-past.

Student: . . .

Saturday, April 21, 2007

The English tuition student wrote: ... and I turned off the lights...

Me: It should be switched off the lights.

Student: can it be put out the lights?

Me: Yes, if you are King Arthur and putting out the candle chandelier above the Round Table. For modern switches like the ones you have in this room, how do you put out the lights? Go to your main circuit board and short-circuit it?

Friday, April 20, 2007

Criminal law tuition session:

Student: the defender... the defender... the defender...

Me: Brudder, you think soccer ah, WHAT DEFENDER. It's either the accused or the defenDANT.

* * *

Discussing a criminal law hypothetical question...

Student: causation is the mother poisoned... causation is the defender.

Me: Do you find this really difficult? Because if you do, you may want to take some time to improve your English before resuming law studies.

Me: Bumped into the professor. The professor said the exam paper is fine.

Friend: Fine?

Me: Yeah, like we can definitely do it.

Friend: Of course we can 'do' the paper. We can even do it like shit and get an F.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

[Intro]
Ladies and fuckin gentlemen (Whassup)
It's the kings of fuckin crunk (You know it)
Me, your boy Lil Jon, Lil Bo, Big Sam
On the motherfuckin track, Rick Rubin (Yeah)
I don't think y'all ready for this shit (y'all ain't ready nigga)
Nothin but some real gangsta shit (gangsta shit)
For them niggaz and bitches out there (Yeah)
Now I'm havin a hard fuckin life right now (a hard life)
And I'm gunna give y'all some of my fuckin pain

[Hook - 2X]
Why you fuckin wit me?
Stop fuckin wit me!
Don't be fuckin wit me!
Stop fuckin wit me!

* * *
English Tuition student: I don't understand.

Me: Actually I intended to pass you a CD with more wholesome songs. But it's ok. Consider this cultural immersion. This song tells a story about the frustration of gangsters in the States. Notice how they keep repeating fuck this fuck that. This is exactly how people who don't study English properly end up. They can't find proper words to express themselves so they use fuck as a verb, noun, pronoun, adverb, and even punctuation. Oh yeah, fuck is a bad word by the way.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Host: "What was the toughest moment for you?"

"The Dance Floor" Contestant: "there are many tough moments..."

* * *
I switched off the TV right away. SPAM. On state TV no less.

Sometimes I give my English tuition students CDs of songs for them to figure out the lyrics and explain them to me.

Me: How was the song? Managed to figure it out?

Student: what's the meaning of "
if you fuck with my grip I won't hesitate to let off a clip."

Me: WHAT?

And then I realise I passed him the wrong cd. The intended song was "I don't want to be" by Gavin DeGraw.

I can't believe the kid insisted I explain the unintended song to him. And I can't believe I did despite the parental advisory label.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

A friend recommended me a blog for its hilarious Singlish (terrible English). It belongs to a make up artist.

Quote no 1:

"better dun step into fashion sow line if not u going to feel the pain hurt & sadness I'm feeling now is not good"

Quote no 2:

"Early afternoon I help sweetie Clara's bf younger sister do makeup ya is her porn night tonite wor Thanks for her support lah.."

* * *

For a moment, I really thought it was porn night, until the friend pointedly remarked that the blogger meant PROM night.

Exam strategy:

Friend: Eating helps.

Me to sleep.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Eye drops. Check.

Panadol. Check.

Cold showers. Check.

Throwaway bed. Check.

Throwaway XBox. Check.

Metal cuffs and chain to chain myself to the table. Check.

Key to metal cuffs thrown away. Check.

Delete MSN and blogger. Unchecked.

Friday, April 13, 2007

I received these by email from people I nod Hi- bye to in school:

1. Dear H,
This is xx. All the papers are done today, right? Congratulations to each other! The next thing is to prepare for the formal exam.Have you started to review the course? Do you keep the notes in that course?

Best regards,
xx
China Exchange student.

2. (No Dear H, no Hi, no nothing)

Could you send ower your banking notes today. I'm sorry if you interpreting this as too demanding but I think that I really need them. Otherwise if we don't see each other before the exam I wish you good luck with the preparation.

Z, Another Exchange student.

* * *

Reader participation:
  • Sushi Tei Lunch in Singapore is on me for the person who comes up with the best reply to the above emails.
  • You may submit replies via the comments function (recommended) or my email if you have it. (not so recommended).
  • Lunch claimable after exams end DUH (May 3rd), but before pupillage starts (June 1st)
  • Anyone can participate. You can be a blog stalker, a stranger, a friend, anyone. Just remember to leave a name or alias.
  • Closing date: 19th April, 2359 hours.
  • Best reply will be announced on 20th April, (one week from now).
  • It is suggested that you come up with a reply first before reading what others have posted in the comments. Unoriginal replies will not qualify.


Thursday, April 12, 2007

Ok I lied. There's going to be more blogging after all.

Bongs read the comments in my post on ass cracks and the following conversation ensued:

Bongs: What's KNNCCB?

Me: It means, (and I am diluting the vulgarity of it heavily here) F**king C**t

Bongs: I see. Heheh. Can I see xx's blog?

Me: It's locked.

Bongs: KNNCCB!

...we were talking about other things... 5 min elapses..

Me: K, study time for me.

Bongs: k..cnnkkb...err...bbckkcnn... CNNBBC!

I'm dead for exams. I have 20 credits of exams. First exam in 10 days. Amount of studying done: zero. No more blogging until May 3rd.

I went to some cafe at Jalan Kayu for supper last night. I won't go there again. The only wait staff I saw kept flashing customers with her ass crack. It's not good to flash people if you're not hot, and worse still if you have a pimply ass. I couldn't eat my fish and chips with the pimply ass roaming around the place. Pimply ass: ketchup sir?

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

My friend, who goes by the alias BONGs, has invited the entire ICF team to visit him here for callbreak 2008. I am thoroughly thrilled! This is going to be the best reunion ever.

This post should be titled "Inane Law School Conversations"

Conversation 1:

Me: Hey I happened to notice my blog has hits from xxx law firm! (a firm in Singapore known for its mugger crowd, and where my friend is going.)

Friend 1: Yay! Can read blogs next time! Can watch you tube video also?

* * *

Conversation 2:

Friend 2: Should I take down Hanson's picture on my blog? It spoils the aesthetic value of my blog.

Me: Aesthetic Value !?!

Friend 2: Yes. The other pictures are quite nice!

Me: Right. Quite nice. Quite arty. Like museum.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I just bought a highly acclaimed energizer program to keep me energized throughout this exam revision period. There's just one problem - it's supposed to energize me by causing me to fall asleep faster and sleep more. It gets dumber. The record I tried plays a mixture of sounds like waves on a beach, and some voice thing that says relax your mind, relax this relax that.. and then it gets softer and softer AND THEN MY MIND starts focussing and trying to figure out what the hell the soft words are and I can't relax and the time I ought to be spent studying is wasted. And then the voice says forget everything else, forget forget forget and then there are bird noises and then I start thinking about the feasibility of spotting questions and studying 50% of the entire workload. And then I think if I listen to this anymore I'll be examining the feasibility of studying 30% of the entire workload. Or less.

I'm disappointed with myself. The last university class of my life and I couldn't understand what was going on. We had Eminem as a guest lecturer again. He was not only incomprehensible but wrote some stuff on the board that might have been him signing his autograph repeatedly. I really don't know. And then we had the excessively over enthusiastic China-Dido-wannabes who tried to outrap him.

Monday, April 09, 2007

After 3 hours of me explaining I R A C as the way to structure an answer to a hypothetical (see previous post), the law tuition student wrote an answer to a hypothetical for me. He treated the hypo like a secondary school " write a short story beginning with the following sentence(s)." His answer CONTINUED THE STORY from the hypothetical fact pattern, introducing new characters and stuff. And the worst thing? His story sucked.

An excerpt of his answer from a hypo on offer and acceptance involving parties A, B, C, D:

" The next day, A, the offeror mets an old man at coffee shop... "

Saturday, April 07, 2007

After an hour of me explaining to the tuition student how to approach hypothetical questions, complete with a full sample answer written by me:

Me : I repeat again. For hypothetical questions, you need to deal with the Issue, Rule, Application and Conclusion. You repeat this for every single legal issue in the question until there are no more legal issues. Like the example I just wrote. Now, what is the first thing you need to deal with in this hypothetical question?

3 minutes elapses...

Student: I thinking.

Me: Think faster.

Student: I don't know where to write.

Me: Brudder, write on paper. Where you want to write?

Student: I need to absorb.

Me: Frog! The first thing is the issue. The approach is issue, rule, application, conclusion. It's like being a factory worker you know. You go to a factory and you are told to press buttons I R A C repeatedly. So you press I R A C press I R A C press press press press press press until you cannot press anymore. Then you go home. What's so difficult?

Friday, April 06, 2007

I'm in class making intelligent talk with the professor and the next thing I know I'm not making sense and trying hard to keep a straight face. Here's why:

Over MSN:

C: omg there's this girl in the lib
this big, tall, and not-skinny indian girl
tottering about on gold strappy heels
and she's wearing a sheer green top belted at the hips
and no pants
NO PANTS
it's like she forgot to put on some pants!
and the damn top is SHEER

Me: put on BLOG!
say u are a freelance reporter for URBAN
and you take wanna take photos for the HOT BODs section
cos you doing a back to school special!

C: I could almost see her ass!
And I can't go take her picture. I was staring at her for so long!

Me: You can! You look like Sumiko Tan. You got the reporter look!

C: I can't. I do NOT look like Sumiko Tan. And she's frightening. It's like my eyes were raped by the sight of her arse.

Me: . . .

C: I'm at 564 out of a 2000 word paper. And all I can think of is not duty of care of banks but duty of care for indian girl to put pants on. Okay you know what. i am going upstairs to see if i can get a good shot.

C: Back. She's sitting down. Her friends are blocking me.

* * *
+ edit + see comments.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

There's this auditor in my banking law class. An auditor is someone from outside law school who pays 900 bucks to sit in on one module to learn something. I don't know why anyone would pay 900 bucks when all they have to do is dress up like a student and crash the lectures. I've seen that happen before.

Anyway this auditor never talks.

Student A: He looks like he doesn't speak English.

Student B: Yeah.

At this point in time. the auditor speaks (crap)!

Student A: HE IS AN IN HOUSE COUNSEL?

Student B: Yeah, with what? POSB probably.

Some professors who've never been in practice habitually brandish the words "in legal practice" around, and then launch into theories of theories of yet more theories of law.

On the receiving end, the feeling is like being strapped against your will onto an Event-Horizon-esque rocket and then being blasted into la la land.

That's why I never understood why people would pay a couple of million bucks to get jetted into space as a space tourist. I get to experience the spaced out feeling everyday at a fraction of the price they pay. Damn, I'm one lucky dog.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

I attended a really good talk on legal career options in London and New York.

On why the speaker chose to practise law in the US:

So my son can escape NS. And fight in Iraq.

On how well known Singapore is in London and New York:

Most people think we're a part of China. That's unfortunate, since we're a part of Malaysia.

I marvel at the sustainability of some conversations I overhear. Like the discussion on how long to charge a laptop for, along the lines of: I think the best is 4 hours/ No my boyfriend says 3 hours!/ No no the best...

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Guest lecturer: "you wud you wud you wud make the make the offer offer offer.."

Friend: He sounds like Eminem.

A :) long :) overdue :) happy :) entry :)

You may throw up from the excess smiley faces now.

There, better?

The happy event: A friend I ghosted a couple of essays for a while back got both the scholarship and acceptance into MIT.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

A friend just told me about a mutual classmate of ours.

Him: She introduced herself as Wings.

Me: Seriously.

Him: Yes, she said, 'I'm Wings, wabliu... eye... en... gee... ess!'

The brother was telling me that he has a friend in camp who talks in his sleep every night.

His friend shouts "WAKE UP!" while asleep.