Went to Dan Ryan's for dinner.

Waitress: For your dessert, would you like vanilla or ice cream?

The student with the fa chai gong dog wrote me an essay.

Me: "I really enjoyed reading this. It is so funny! Too bad you're not writing for comics though."

After 1 hour of me explaining offer and acceptance, my student says:

"I see the logic! Offeror gives offer then accepts it"

After 1 hour of me explaining and repeating that for hypothetical questions, one needs to go through the issue, rule, application and conclusion, my student says:

" Issue not important."

After 2 lessons of explaining when to add "s" to indicate plural, my student now adds "s" to everything.

Our guest lecturer, who works with legal compliance at JP Morgan Chase asked: How much money do you think my bank (JP Morgan Chase) transacts a day, is it the m number, the b number, or the t number?

Student: What is m number, b number, t number?

Guest Lecturer: M is meellion, B is beeeellion, t is triiiilllion.

Student presentations are quite interesting. This semester alone, we've had the poised and elegant, the marshmallow, the funeral service attendant, the mistake, and most recently, the one with the perfected "come let's make out right after this", replete with auto blinking (un)seductive eyes, flirtatious flicks of the hair, and a well honed fake accent.

I'm a happy camper. Fitness First has just opened a large outlet at AMK Hub, which means I don't have to commute to the city just for exercise.

It also means I get to see lots of interesting things, like this bizarre fat dude who was doing a workout in business attire and had to be escorted out of the place by staff. By business attire, think long-sleeved white shirt bursting at seams (from fats), business slacks also bursting at seams (from fats), and leather dress shoes. By workout, think lifting a 1kg weight (the lightest possible) and making enough noise (grunts and the like) to drown out the rather loud hip hop shit they were playing.

Maybe he isn't that bizarre, compared to this woman I saw once at the Fitness First outlet at One George Street, at 7 am in the morning, eating an ice cream while on the treadmill. I believe it was a Cornetto.

My team presented today, against another team. The professor told us "you guys were closer to what I wanted than the other Team, which issue spammed."

Another team presented, and the professor was speechless. The team talked about " In copulation costs."

I think they meant incorporation costs.

A friend told me her tuition kid covers her ears and screams " YUCK! YUCK! YUCK!" when she tries to teach the kid the sex ed component of primary five science.

I wonder who is worse off, my friend or me.

My tuition kid with the fa chai gong dog makes loud noises that are akin to someone having difficulty throwing up. And this happens regardless of whether I teach him anything or not.

Today was tuition pay day. I feel richer. The parent asked me for a progress report. In Chinese.

Literally translated:

I said: I have started teaching your son essay writing. His thoughts and writing style are very ... how should I put it?

The parent: simple and good?

Me: Actually I meant immature.

Me (quickly): but of course I'm confident that he will write much better in due course.

Now, I wonder what I will say when the parents of the kid with the fa chai gong dog ask me for a progress report.

On assignment writing:

Me: I feel like Captain Jack Sparrow battling the Cracker, slashing off all these tentacles of problematic arguments.

Friend: Wow, if your assignment gets A that's like getting the girl and eating sotong.*

*For foreign readers: Sotong = squid / calamari

Corporate Insolvency Law Prof, rhetorically: What would banks think if the receiver they appoint, who is supposed to act for them and realise their security, turns around and sues them instead?

Student: They would think he has integrity.

Corporate Insolvency Law Prof: Integrity. Right. Next time you eat and drink integrity.

L.Q.R. is the abbreviation for Law Quarterly Review.

Heard in class: "learned quarterly reveal."

An excerpt from the Dean's talk on the future of legal education: "I am confident that we are a globally recognised law school. In fact, I'm afraid of going to China because everywhere I go people want to collaborate with us."

I have a classmate named Mr Adodo. Mr Adodo is a model student. Mr Adodo likes to participate in class. Mr Adodo is his real name.

Student A: Hey doesn't Adodo sound like some extinct bird?

Student B: I think that's the Dodo.

Student A: He speaks funny.

Student B: Yeah different species probably. I wonder what bird watchers have to say about that.

Some student asked the prof in corporate insolvency law class today: Professor, regarding the assignment, should it be descriptive or argumentative?

Another student replied before the prof could: No no no, it should be NARRATIVE. One day, a company wanted to enter into insolvency...

I met the new student. But let's talk about his place first. It is quite something. In a bizzare way. The house is filled with big statues of Chinese figures, and even bigger Chinese lanterns. Think big red pineapple lanterns with plastic green leaves suspended all over the place. It was like being in a alice-in-chinese-wonderland pineapple plantation where the pineapples flew in the sky instead of growing on the ground. The dog was dressed up to look like a statue called " fa chai gong" which I think when translated literally means "strike rich divine-being." You get the picture.

The student is odd. He would do well being a character in star wars, maybe as an alien drone. He makes really strange guttural noises which I couldn't really decipher. His English, thankfully, is not as bad as I had expected. At least he managed to score 20/100 in his exam.

I had some feedback which said I was cynical and sarcastic on this blog where I say things as they are. So I was thinking of starting a positive blog where I say things as they aren't.

On this new blog, I would write beaming things, like

"Today :) was :) another :) great :) day :)"

I meant beaming in the literal sense.

Whoops, forgot the exclamation marks. Let's try again.

"Today :) was :) another :) great :) day :) !!!!"

Alternatively, as an extension of my positive outlook, I could write in a pscyho-I'm-six-years-old font. Like this:

"ToDaY :) wAs :) AnOtHeR :) gReAt :) ... "

My point is unless you're a six year old kid, you don't enthuse about happy events everyday, and everything you see or hear tends to be processed and evaluated. Rest assured I will update merry events as and when they occur.

Meanwhile stay positive. Have some kokain. Click play on the right.

Overheard after a group presentation today:

" I think we did quite well, except that I forgot to POR*."

*POR = suck up.

You get to hear the strangest things in international corporate finance class presentations.

To the question: what financing option would you recommend?

The answer by several foreign students: BONGS!

(I'm not sure if there is such an instrument in their country, or if they were referring to bonds.)

I was doing some research about a possible trip to Yemen when I came across this post in a travel forum:

"Safety: No thiefs, I forgot a camera in a very basic restaurant and it was brouted back. If you are kidnaped you'll still a guest, so no worry be happy."

Some girl sent me a smile on friendster. She's 24 years old. We exchanged MSNs. We had one MSN conversation. She's in dire need of a boyfriend. She cannot sustain a proper conversation. I said I was married.

At 1045 am, Monday:

"Dear student,

Due to a mistake, the assignment was not distributed on Saturday. My apologies. I will upload it by 2pm today."

At 230 pm, Monday:

"Dear Prof,

I still can't find the assignment question anywhere. Please advise."

I was supposed to do a take home 30% insolvency law paper today. Except that I can't, because somehow the professor has not released the question. And he didn't reply to my email either, sent some hours ago. The email was:

"Hey prof, Is there still an assignment for this module?"

I've been trying to hint to my law tuition student that maybe he shouldn't be doing law. But he doesn't seem to get it.

Some of the hints I've given (in order of increasing obviousness):

• Do you have any other dreams of what you want to be?
  
• You have grammatical problems, which might be tolerable if you were still somewhat understandable. But you have so many errors I can't tell if you're writing English or not.
  
• Some things are not meant to be.
  

Another week, another out of this world tuition experience.

Me: Can you write an answer to this essay question? "The Human Rights Act effectively brought human rights home. Discuss"

Student: Answer the question.

Me: Yes, please answer the question.

Student: With logic?

* * *

And he can't remember to add "s" behind words to indicate plural again.

And he wrote a paragraph that almost made me say WTF out loud.

The law school celebrates 50 years of education this year and the Dean is due to give a talk on the future of legal education. His talks are good and I would recommend them to anyone. But it's just a talk. If I were the Dean of my law school, I would implement the following:

• Reduce the entire law degree to 2 years.
  
• Reduce compulsory subjects to contract law, tort law, property law, equity and trusts, and legal writing and analysis, all taught in the first year.
  
• Empower students with the choice to specialise immediately after the first year. They will have a choice of
  
• litigation based subjects, like evidence, criminal law
• corporate based subjects, like international corporate finance.
• Airy fairy subjects, like something in vietnam, theory of the theory of law, etc.
  
• Scrap the whole idea of continuous assessment.
  
• Revamp exams. Out of all the subjects taken in two years, students shall have the option to pick three to be examined on, or pick two, and do one research paper.
  
• Issue 50% of the cohort with first class honours upon graduation.
  
• Charge four years worth of school fees for two years.
  

Can't blame the students from China for trying to speak up in class.

Can't blame me for laughing out loud when one of them said

"So faeces cated eeenvestor."

(which is "sophisticated investor," just in case you were wondering.)

I am in the com lab trying to do constructive work. Across me there's this girl who looks like she... well nevermind. And she is reading over a guy's shoulder. And she keeps pushing her hair behind her ears. And fondling it.

And she says: are you hungry?
He says: No, are YOU hungry?

And then she says: oh there is a general power and a special power.
And he says: so much power!

And then someone says in a friendly tone: maybe you should focus on reading your equity A textbook.

And that someone wanted to add but didn't: And YOU can stop pretending to be Rapunzel.

(I just realised the first half of this post could be construed in an 'alternative' sense. It was unintended.)

Prof: So what is the rationale of Judicial management?
Student A (excitedly): To give the company breathing space!

10 seconds later...

Student B (terribly excitedly and in total oblivion to what was just mentioned): To give the company breathing space!

* * *

Class participation should just be abolished.

The phone rang. I picked up.

Party on the other side (in a monotone): hup lo. Tot ton ajansee. GC GP 30 an hour. Youone?

I have had dealings with tuition agencies with bad English in the past. But this was really something.

I saw an article about Singapore Management University's (SMU) new board of advisors to their law school. They have former chief justice Yong Pung How.

Shortly after, my law school came up with a notice saying we have a new board of advisors too. And on our board, we have

"Justice Andrew Ang ‘71
(Current) Chief Justice Chan Sek Keong 61's representative"

I have noticed that HOH Law Corporation is everywhere. For the unacquainted, this is a law firm that provides "affordable legal services to the masses." They have offices where you least expect it, like near Desker Road, in Little India, which is a hangout for hookers. (Desker road, I mean, not little India, which is generally a really cultural neighbourhood).

Of course, I checked their rates, which were not as low as one would have imagined.

If no one wants to hire me after I graduate, I think I'll provide budget law services. By setting up a firm that:

• hires barely competent lawyers so we wont' have to pay them so much.
  
• Uses neighbourhood shops that close by 6 pm as office space and operates from 8pm to 12 midnight, so people don't need to travel down to town, don't need to take leave from work to see us, don't need to dress up to see us.
• handles standard work like non contentious divorce for a standard fee. Complex work will be farmed out to full service law firms at normal rates, with a 15% cut to us for bringing the business to them.
• pre -records standard legal advice on issues like divorce, downloadable in mp3 format so the lawyers won't have to give so much advice in person. Everyone has mp3 players right? Or else we'll have them in cassette form too, and charge a refundable deposit of 50 bucks for each rental.
• hires flyer distributors earning 4.50 per hour and pays them 4.55 per hour as reception personnel.
  
• does not have money to give lawyers a clothing allowance but allows lawyers to wear whatever shoddy gear they want, including flip flops.
• has excellent discount schemes. e.g. you want to get divorced, you bring a couple of people who also want to get divorced, the advice is directed at 5 people at a time, you pay half price.

This post comes courtesy of Charmaine, my classmate.

At 830 in the morning, she MSNs me saying she is very proud of coming up with a "GREAT DIRTY JOKE."

She: blah blah bah (telling the joke)

Me (in a very just out of bed state): Charmaine it's only 830 IN THE MORNING!

She: I came up with it while writing my essay plan last night.

We wonder what essay she was planning to write.

* * *

I originally posted the joke here but removed it because she says it's only funny when communicated verbally.

So please ask her when you see her in school.

In addition to giving law tuition, I give English tuition to this secondary 2 Hwa Chong Institution kid. I was trying to explain to him what metaphors were and the idea of underlying meaning.

Me: When I say "she is a table," what do I mean?

Him: She is flat.

Me: . . .

Me, continuing: No, that means she is as insignificant as a piece of furniture.

(For the record, I did tell him not to use that on girlfriends. Or anyone else for that matter)

I have been reading blogs instead of studying. Again.

Came across this law student's blog and an entry which said she met her boyfriend on Hi5, a kind of online social networking site. They seem to be doing very well, good for them.

And I recalled I have friends who found their soulmates on other sites like friendster, which to me is like a stamp collecting site where you collect pictures of people, and which I had not visited since people were still using pagers instead of handphones. Ok maybe not that long ago. But still, it's been a few years at least.

So I logged onto friendster, just to see how friends of long ago were doing, and if any of them had hooked up with other friendsterers. And I came across profiles of girls that were all pink and bubbly with lots of smiley faces and under the heading "who you want to meet," wrote things like

"probably some animals like birds, turtles, dogs, hammies, rabbits, and many more? if u belong to any of the species, ya. welcome. =x"

Not cool. A friend of the writer of the above statement left a reference, and it was:

"fishfish birdbird kuku ballball!"

I rest my case.

Yesterday went out with the brother to celebrate his A level results and did no work.

The sister asked me to fetch her from Jurong East because she had to go there and sell flags under the community service component of co- curricular activities, which is really the point of this post. Let's just say Jurong East is about one of the furthest places possible to travel to from home, but still be in Singapore. Make no mistake about it, I think charity is good, but I think forcing students to sell flags is just dumb, because

1. I've done it before, and most of the time the amount collected is rather insubstantial. (even though the tins might be heavy from people putting in coins.)

2. The time wasted, however, is disproportionately HUGE.

3. Irritation to passers by from having tin cans repeatedly shoved in their faces by school kids: HUGE.

Conclusion: Compulsory flag selling is not efficient. To revise the existing system, if it were up to me, I would suggest students contribute cash out of their own pocket. Like if you give up 50 bucks, you get 5 CCA points. You give up 100 bucks, you get 10 CCA points. Now that would be cool.

* * *
The sister organised some camp for underprivileged kids at some moral welfare home in September last year, and the social workers at the moral welfare home made her pay 100 bucks "in advance, to be repaid later." It's now March. Time to draft a letter to them.

I have a part time job that involves giving law tuition to this diploma in law student whom we shall call X. I'm 25. X is 29. X has a diploma in IT. He says he wanted to study law after a calling from God. Which is fine with me. He says he couldn't afford my fees, which is fine with me. I reduced them to the point it was negligibly profitable for me. What is not so fine however, is that he lacks a command of the English Language. I spent 30 min in the 2 hour lesson explaining to him when to add "s" to words because that indicates plural. And he didn't seem to get it.

To the essay question "Judicial precedent is not meant to be followed. It is only a guiding principle. Discuss." this was the sentence he wrote for me:

" Yes I agree. Judicial precedent case and fact judge decide future judge decide fact however it should not be followed."

Me: Wrong. We went through this last week already, remember?

Him: What's wrong?

* * *
His exam is in two months. I'm supposed to teach him Contract law, criminal law, public law, and common law reasoning and institutions.

A friend who heard what happened later said: "maybe you should ask him if his Chinese is good, then it could be a calling to study law in China."

With the vast improvement of blogger, I've decided to open a new blog. It seems everyone is locking their blogs nowadays. I think it's too troublesome. So happy reading everyone, though no guarantees of interesting (or regular) posts. Feel free to leave comments.