Friend: I've allocated the tutorial questions already.

Me: Thanks, you've been doing a great job.

Friend: I was born to be a secretary.

The BBC was reporting on the Burmese protests.

Me: I didn't know they had so many monks in Burma.

Friend: When you don't have luxuries of life, why not embrace a lifestyle where you don't need luxuries of life, and yet can still attain Nirvana?

Practical law course lecture:

"Preparation of witnesses is a grey area. Some witnesses are so smart you don't need to prepare them. Some are so stupid there's no point preparing them."

In Civil Procedure class, we need to pretend to be lawyers, give ourselves a law firm name and run a simulated file.

Friend: Uh my opponent is from Truth and Justice LLC. Doesn't sound like it makes money.

Another "legal" MTV. Tort law back here.

Lord Atkins on Donoghue v Stevenson, MTV style. Totally worth checking out here. (Audio required)

Gotta love the part where he goes "Hundred billion legal fees thanks to Ginger Beer" and "I founded modern negligence! I founded modern negligence!"

Just got back from Bangkok. Seriously fun. Most memorable phrase:

" You want to buy friend? PAY NOW!"

Six years ago on Sept 12 . . .

I was lying on a very lousy bunk bed in the school of military intelligence, trying to memorise pictures of tanks while listening to a sony radio receiver to perfect 10 when the radio broadcast was interrupted with news of the terrorist attack.

Six years on, I'm still wasting my time, this time doing law tutorials. The radio is still filled with terrorist attack stuff.

Some things don't change.

In the mail

"Found $5 on the financial services floor. If you lost it, come claim it."

Family law tutorial, practical law course.

Tutor: Ok let's start with the hypothetical. Hmm it says woman from China. KEEP YOUR MINDS OPEN GUYS. *wink* Oh practical tip, wash your hands after dealing with them.

Soundbytes from the last edu dine:

Me: Why did u leave D*** ?

Lawyer: It was like Ginza Plaza.

* * *

Friend to Lawyer: How did the board of legal education get you to come and attend edu dine?

Lawyer: You know when you skip PLC classes, they record it down, and get you to come for this.

* * *

Friend: the dessert tastes like what would happen if stuff from the body shop was made into the dessert.

Lawyer: Really. I thought the dessert tasted more like those free soap at public toilets.

I'm really not amused with this thing called criminal procedure case management. What happens is this, they give you a fact pattern, some vague instructions along the lines of "do whatever you deem fit" and BINGO! next minute award you an F. And then they tell you what you should have done.

It doesn't help that my tutor is one of the rare few STILL AWARDING Fs, while others adopt a more friendly "since you know shit and were taught nothing the minimum grade we will give is a pass" policy.

It's been a while since I've had such a lazy afternoon. Brilliant weather, Travis on Itunes and all work obligations thrown to the wind. Reminds me of more carefree Scandinavian days.

Friend 1: Bata is NOT a Singapore company.

Me: I don't believe you.

Friend 1: Wiki it.

Me: Ok you win.

* * *

Me to Friend 2: Did you know Bata is not a Singapore establishment? It's Czech!

Friend 2: Yeah I know. But I don't know how it became so cheap skate.

We had this negotiation exercise yesterday. The other side wanted exclusive IP rights.

My negotiation partner: Yes, you can have exclusive IP rights. But they must be registered in China.

Me: Are we supposed to rely on common sense to answer Professional Responsibility questions? Cos that's what I've been doing.

Senior: Technically yes, though in your case maybe you shouldn't rely on that.

I don't know what to think of this.

X from Arriter (a tuition agency) called me up three times on Monday to offer the same tuition assignment, and to be rejected with the same reason "No, I'm too busy for any more tuition assignments."

The next day, Y from Arriter calls me up four times asking me to take up the same assignment. I said no I'm busy, please stop calling me.

Today X calls me up and we had this conversation:

X: "the last time you rejected an assignment bec it was far from your place, now this is near your place why are you not accepting?"
Me: "I've already told your agency many times, I'm busy and I can't take on any more assignments."
X: "What is your phone no?"
Me: "Are you stupid? It's the number you just reached me on."
X: "So are you accepting the assignment?"
Me: "Can you stop being a tuition terrorist?"

Overheard at the sub courts waiting area:

Do you know why X joined law firm A instead of RnT?

Because she's so big that she can't participate in group hugs at RnT.

My friend while driving: That *&^%$#^ MALAY DRIVER!

Me: That's a Chinese guy behind tinted windows.

This is how the guest speaker at edu dine was introduced:

"He started off his career at Drew and Napier, a mistake which we have all since forgiven him for."

* * *

On an unrelated note, I want to go to Japan and Yemen, in addition to Maldives for call break. Die.

I'm irked. Sorry if I chewed you up.

Practical Law Course Lecturer:

On family law:

"Sex is an administrative matter."

"you can get specially authorised to get married below 18 years of age. Usually one party is pregnant. Or it could be some other reason, like love or something."

I read with interest the Sunday Times Lifestyle article on this year's National Day theme song making no mention of Singapore.

Some people interviewed said it's only obvious it refers to Singapore.

I think the only obvious thing has not been picked up.

Stanza 4 of "There's No Place I'd Rather Be"

This is where my family
And my friends grew up with me
So I'll cross the skies and sail the seas
To be where I wanna be.

* * *

Is it just me or does this mean that the place I'd rather be is NOT Singapore?

A friend sent me this headhunter website which brands itself as one of the leading financial recruitment firms operating in Singapore.

"Our team is arguably THE most experienced of its type in Singapore."

On the position for head of compliance, private banking:

" You will be commercial in your approach and possess strong communication, presentation, presentation, influencing and relationship building skills."

On the position for AVP Finance manager:

"You have analytical, with an eye for detail and has good problem solving skills. You have strong interpersonal skills and dynamic team player. "

* * *

Me to friend: You must be mad if you are letting these people handle your career switch.

For those who missed the National Day Parade:

Commentator: And here comes SING! (some skater dressed in red). SING REPRESENTS SINGAPORE!

* * *

Moments later, SING falls down.

Lunch with an atas friend.

"Hong Lim is one of the few hawker centers with a good collection of authentic hawker food..."

"Yes, though I thought the chocolate fountain at The Line was quite authentic!"

Student: I fell sad.

Me: Incorrect. What should it be?

Student: I felling sad?

This year's NDP parade was like a very odd LIVE EARTH concert.

I was in a school office and was idly flipping the annual school magazine, when I saw this:

IT

We have
- one fully equipped PC lab
- one fully equipped macintosh lab
- two half equipped IT labs.

Friend: I'm going to sleep now.

Me: It's only 1230 am! U are in FSD. Sleep is for the weak!

Friend: hahaha
when you have a pupil he will suffer
"sleep is for the weak"
"and the fired."
"and the unretained"

Seen in the law gazette.

"Mr X (formerly of Compass LLC) has commenced practice as a sole Director of the law corporation, Pointer LLC on 28 May 2007..."

I met a friend's friend, who apparently is a banker.

She: Yesterday I is go X restaurant for dinner.

Me: I didn't catch which bank you are from. Is it local?

She: ya ya. Hope you dun mind lah. Work over no need proper English.

I went for the first of three compulsory dinners yesterday. For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, it's EDU DINE, where trainee lawyers-to-be are supposed to rub shoulders with senior lawyers.

The opening speech by the managing partner of Duane Morris Asia was fantastic. The setting was fantastic also. The food however, was not.

Two blog worthy incidents:

Incident no 1:

Pupil at R n T shakes hand with partner of R n T at same table and asks "which firm are you from?"

Partner says: R n T! I thought you looked familiar.

Pupil: I can't believe I didn't recognise you!

Incident no 2:

R n T partner: And our firm gives out free Ministry of Sound passes.

Ang and partners partner: Our firm has Yakun Kaya Toast discount cards. 5 cents off each toast.

I woke up this morning to several missed calls, SMSes and MSN messages. Turns out there was a general, royal panic concerning this exercise called Criminal Case Procedure Management, where we were given a hypothetical situation and were told to prepare the relevant documents "as we thought fit" and hand them in.

I contemplated writing a letter to the effect that " Dear XXX, we regret to inform you that we will not be accepting instructions on this matter."

Alex suggested the following:

"Dear Mr. XXXX Thank you for employing our services. But as you know, I am in corporate, and we only serve listed CORPORATE persons with the capacity to pay our rates.

As for rape, your son did go to St. James Power Station, and that as far as I am concerned is the hangout of riffraff. By socialising with these afore-mentioned riffraff, I am afraid your son should submit to the consequences that follow.

This letter will cost you $6,420 (GST 7%) Please pay by cash or cheque made payable to XXXXXX."

The practical law course is regrettably not the most practical course around.

We have a ton of classes on plain language for lawyers, where they teach you to avoid using words like:

• implement - replace with carry out/ fulfil
• indicate - replace with show, tell, say.
• initiate - replace with begin

That's the equivalent of asking university graduates to peg their facility of the English language to primary 2 level.

Incidentally, the instruction manual says OMIT "herewith." And line 1 of the Plain English Drafting Exercise booklet reads " herewith are the papers for the above exercise."

Alex: and oh gawd, mediation tomorrow
mediation can suck my **#$*#@$*#@
i don't believe in compro fucking mise.

On a random friendster profile...

Me: CANNOT MAKE IT! Check this out "Me at Sakae JP taken by Dear. Do I look nice at Sakae restaurant?Cos I always took nice pic at Sakae"

Friend: Oh she sucks at drafting. She like copied and pasted a big chunk from "about me" to "who she wants to meet."
Very wrong to copy without paraphrasing.

Alex: "According to Kenneth, you've always been like that." "Yah, X has always been atas."

Me: "But I'm not! I'm just a regular, down to earth, guy next door!"

Alex: "X, you're a regular, down to earth guy-next-door. Next door to freaking One Raffles Quay."

Anonymous lawyer to me " You have to bother addressing clients by their real names in cross border work. You can't call them anything you want. Like there was this client called Knut, pronounced 'ca-noot'. It was bad enough that X was calling him nut. It was worse when Y insisted that he had mis-spelt his name in the email and then took it upon herself to be proactive and sent out a reply email addressing him as K-u-n-t. Can you imagine saying "That kunt sent us another email."

* * *

I laughed so hard when I heard that. I'll really miss the team when I go for the 5 month Practical Law Course at the courts.

I seriously don't mind juniors asking me stuff about pupillage and whatever. But I really do mind spending 20 minutes of my rest time explaining something, only to be asked the exact same thing by the same person one week later on the pretext that he / she had forgotten what I had said. A little courtesy never hurt anyone.

"We are the most well remunerated copy and pasters in the world."

My friend told his pupil master: I went through the document with a fine tooth comb.

Pupil master, pointing to double spacing on the document: Your fine tooth comb is missing a few teeth.

Someone at the office has a very bad dandruff problem. It's so bad when she leans over documents, it's like it's snowing. And I don't mean to gross people out on a Saturday morning, but said person's hair has a decaying smell to it too.

A friend at work suggested putting a newspaper cutting of dandruff treatments on her desk. I'm open to more suggestions, and will implement the best one.

Things you hear: "I thought he was making faces at me, it turned out it was just his face."

More Yo Momma jokes, from various contributors at work, including yours truly.

Yo Momma so slutty her fees were securitised!

Yo Momma so flat her assets were unsecuritisable!

Yo Momma so fat she clogged the floodgates of liability!

Yo Momma so cheap, she da powed the marks and spencer cookie crumbs!

* * *

And *gasp* I brought work home to do. Real drafting, with no precedent. For the record, this was given just before I left the office, so it's not due to Yo Mommaing at work.

A friend at work came up with some yo momma jokes:

- Yo Momma so fat, she needs to be registered under the LTA!

- Yo Momma so fat, she reversed the burden of proof!

- Yo Momma so fat, she ate equity's darling!

I got told off for laughing out loud in the office.

Extracted from a write up on one of the designers of some online shop : " ... he is known for his naive and spontaneous designs...."

Friend, who was also surfing same site, said: " people can make money from being naive? I also want."

We've aged.

1. The seats in cathay cinneleisure no longer fit us.

2. We talk about buying tags heuers.

3. We have gym memberships.

4. We end MSN conversations with " I need to go to the office now."

5. We begin real life conversations with "how's work?"

I met my army buddies for dinner. Had a great time! Loads of funny excerpts, but mostly private jokes, so won't share them. One day to the weekend!

My singlish friend: Alamak, you start work liao, otherwise can jio you watch zodiac.

Me: Oh I'm watching it this Sat.

My singlish friend: Got 3 blockbusters coming up.

Me: 3? I only know of Transformers and Fantastic Four.

My singlish friend: Got transformers, got fantastic four, got helicopter.

Me: Helicopter???

My singlish friend: Harry plotter lah.

First day of work came and went. I quite enjoyed myself. The team is friendly.

We trainees were asked to interpret a picture of a cat in a fish bowl and a fish outside it. And someone said " all I can see is the fish, and think, if you feed the fish too much work, it'll like, just DIE."

Had a good laugh on that one!

Friend, over msn: two lawyers left X firm to bake

Me: Oh but Baker is a good firm!

Friend: I meant BAKE, NOT BAKER!

Some parent stirred up quite a furore when he wrote to the Straits Times forum questioning why his daughter's A level grades of A B E and C (for general paper) failed to secure her a place in arts and social science in a local university, though the grades met the minimum university entry requirements. The parent wrote " My daughter is an above average student who excelled in sports ... my son, who is 27 years old, and had A level grades of A B C graduated with a Second Upper Class Honours degree in the Arts and Social Sciences at NUS." The entire article may be found here

Though I felt bad for the parent, what some people posted online in response to the article really cracked me up. I have reproduced some funny ones below. By reproducing these online responses, I don't agree with a lot of the irrational things said, but I have merely copied them out here to show the multitude of hilarious (and often ridiculous) responses only Singaporeans are capable of writing. For foreign readers, singlish has been translated in brackets.

* * *

1. Must be because she born in dragon year, competition stiff.

2. please lah dun blame the goddamn dragon....one's own fate is the result of their action

3. I dun understand why he has to bring in his son to hao lian (show off) also anyway..

4. The reality is, land on Earth is limited, uni can only be this big, and can only accept a certain number of people. With or without dragon superstition, this will happen anyway.

5. [The parent] expects too much from his children. Someone go give him a tight slap... I bet if his daughter have an average guy as her bf she will 100% chase him away wan.

6. Uncle....your daughter's grades really suck. She either didnt put in the effort or she is naturally stupid but with a big ego like you. She being a Dragon baby should have realised long ago that competition is tough, not to mention Singapore's Education system is stringent.

Uncle... Your son honestly speaking ain't too bright either. With a second class honours in arts and social sciences, do you really think he'll get far in life? Ok maybe he's good in other things or charismatic, but with that kind of grades he can't go far.

Uncle... Sorry to burst your bubble, but your kids are dumb. Please wake up and get a reality check ok?

[and the two funniest ones]:

7. A B E above average meh? How about grades D E A D?

8. E??? LOL. WTF. Above what average. Sia suay (shoot yourself in the foot).

I went to the sub courts to do some admin for pupillage. The sub courts have two lifts. One was out of order. The other was so slow I thought I was in Malaysia.

I don't really know what possessed me to go to KL.

1. We took aerolines, supposedly the best bus there is to get to KL. It was pretty ok, if you could discount the fact that it was fly infested, and late.

2. We tried to be local, but entering every local public place was like having a stink bomb exploded in front of you.

3. We tried to be tourists, and Angsana Spa had a pretty good first impression, until their "come here to relax" policy went a bit too far and the lady giving me the massage was whispering instructions or whatever so softly, I really couldn't make out what she was trying to say. It went like this ( in decreasing volume): " Mr X (slightly audible) please (barely audible) ... (inaudible).

4. We got hassled too many times. Even the guy trying to sell us fake watches in the overrated petronas towers yawned when he approached us for the 549th time. I think we got offered taxi rides ( think TAXXXXIIII screamed in your face) about 978624 times.

5. KL experienced the hottest temperature in 10 years while we were there. To escape to an air conditioned place, which preferably didn't smell, we decided to go to the best museum. It had lots of glass cases, many of which contained the spectacularly exciting "exhibit temporarily unavailable" slip of paper. We really paid money just for the air con.

6. KL advertisements take advertising to your face. I think they must have a regulation or something that says, if walkway is only 2m in length, place an unmovable advertisement 1.8m in length across the walkway, at regular intervals. So we didn't walk on walkways much, but on the main road, where I saw enough out of control Protons that I don't ever want to see another one for the rest of my life.

7. Malaysia celebrates 50 years of independence, but they can't sell subway tickets for nuts. KLCC station:
Machine No 1 says, please pay 1.60 RM.
Machine No 1 refuses to accept cash of any kind.

Machine No 2 says, please pay 1.60 RM
We try to pay using a 10 RM note.
Machine No 2 says, please use smaller note.
We try to pay using a 1 RM note.
Machine No 2 accepts 1 RM note.
We try to put in another 1 RM note.
Machine No 2 does not allow another RM note.

Today feels like a milestone. The mandatory education cycle comes to an end. I've graduated, with grades that I'm totally happy with. I'm also glad for those who friends who did well, and for those who were disappointed, remember what the dean said about grades! - " Good grades, while helpful, are neither a necessary nor a sufficient measure of future success. "

See everyone at Raffles Place next week! Off to KL for the weekend.

"telepathy, telepathy, telepathy!!" screams a contestant on Deal or No Deal, the most ridiculous TV program ever.

NZ Maoris: Hey Singapore is really clean. It's not pretend clean like you have all these people holding cleaning equipment and standing around but the place still looks dirty.

And oh my gosh, are you travelling at 90 km/h! No pot holes!

There was this girl standing next to me in the MRT. She shouted this into her handphone: "arlow, can I shack with you...."

It was not until later that I realised she had wanted to say "hello can I check with you..."

Today I met two Maoris, - a mother and son travel team, doing a round the world backpacking trip lasting 10 years. I think my incredulous expression must have said it all, for they quickly added, 'do it once, do it good!'

Truth be told, I enjoy meeting people like that, for they are a pleasant reminder of all the FUN out there on the road less taken. Have a laugh, kick back, relax, get lost on an active volcano, watch amazing sunsets, get to know people from all over the world, as opposed to following the local crowd chasing after the same things, getting that local degree, getting that local job, getting that car, getting that other car, getting that house, getting that bigger house, meeting the backstabbers, suck ups and pretend friends in that long drawn out process.

I've resolved to inject a large dose of adventure into my life. So I'm going to take a two year break and go travelling. Don't be dumb, of course I'm not going to do that. I'm from Singapore. Nobody takes a long break to go travelling! I'll think of something. In the meantime, I offered to take the Maori's around Singapore.

The Malaysian horror flick "Don't Look Back" is dreadful. Dreadful boring scenes. Dreadful unscary ghosts. Dreadful unscary scare tactics. Dreadful absence of cinematics. Dreadful absence of acting.

Cf post of May 14th.

Today I was at fitness first again, and there was this crunching noise coming from behind a workout towel. It was the curry puff woman again, this time eating curry puffs while holding up a towel to hide the act.

Student: My lecturer gave me his tits.

Me: WHAT?

Student: You don't know tits? Like what to study for exam.

Me: For chrissakes, that's called TIPS. Please know what TITs and TIPs are. Because both are important in life, for very different reasons. Your friend, the dictionary will enlighten you.

I note from the Straits Times that neighbourhood schools exhibit less elitism.

I came from a neighbourhood school. This is the conversation I had with some neighbourhood school friends:

Me: hey 10 year secondary school reunion coming up!

Friend 1: Yeah. Oh did you know, V is with Goldman Sachs, R is with Deutsche bank, blah is at NYU doing masters in law, blah 2 graduated first class, now with Pricewaterhouse ...

Me: Damn I'm only a poor lawyer to be.

Friend 2: Yeah, I'm poorer, I'm going to be working with the ministry of trade. I think I should just stay away from the reunion.

* * *

Neighbourhood school non -elitism my foot.

Went to the night safari with some foreign friends.

The tram commentary was damn bad - the woman put on this fake breathless tone throughout. Think porn.

"On the right you will see the horned pigs. You may think they are ugly but they are sexxx(deep breath)xxy."

Me: Oh btw, blah got married.

Friend: God makes pairs. There's one to complement everyone.

* * *

Me: How's the xbox?

Friend: In the box.

Date: 14th May 2007.

Time: 0700 HRS.

Location: Fitness First AMK Hub.

Observation: Woman in workout attire eating two Old Chang Kee Curry Puffs under the Fitness First slogan "Motivation is what gets you started, habit is what keeps you going."

I saw this on a senior's blog:

In response to his blog post on where to go for a holiday, someone commented:

"Chengdu! ... Above all, prices in Chengdu are really low compared with Beijing and Shanghai with everything no worse!

Have a nice journey!

btw, could you please offer me some advice on the NUS law admission interview and test? I'd really appreciate it if you send me some detailed information to xxxxxxx@sina.com and/or xxxxxxx@sina.com . Thanks a lot!"

I saw this girl carrying a bag with three stripes across it. And in bold letters: ABIDAS.

Overheard at a function:

Stranger to another stranger: Why are you wearing this!?! You look weird, Amish, /like you're attending a funeral / possibly satanic.

Friend: Have you seen spidey?

Me: No.

Friend: Don't watch it. It was simply like a hindhi movie..with the songs..dance..etc etc..
bollywood would be proud of it.. Plus the love triangle!

Ok I have re acquainted myself with the BIG TV. Played XBox until it got spoilt and it feels GREAT throwing away stuff. I just threw away my Companies Act. YEAAAHHHH! On second thoughts, maybe I should just get the karang guni man to come and clear my room for me. After he gets all of the stuff he probably can take a few days off.

I'm feeling great. Slept off the exhaustion from consecutive overnight cramming and the reality of being done with law school is just sinking in.

In my pre-exam (better understood as blog reading addiction) period, I came across blogs of friends who had finished earlier, and there were those who spoke of being so attached to school they kissed the door jams of the classrooms they studied in, and there were those who spoke of waiting for people to fade out of their lives. But there was this one entry that I found especially poignant, so I shall reproduce it here.

* * *

Roughly translated as: "Orange Days: The Unforgettable days of our youth"

4 years comes to an end with a stroke of my pen as [The prof] says "Time's up". This time, unlike the "O"s, nor the "A"s, we did not shuffle out of the hall giving each other congratulatory slaps on the back, as not everyone could share our joy. The maudlin tinge of unsettlement hits... this unsettling feeling of, "This is it? What now?" just overstays its due, but yet, I recognize that this should merely be fleeting, that after our orange days, we have already discovered who we want to be in our lives.

And again, we go our separate ways. Separate grad trips, separate firms, separate companies, separate futures. We make our own destinies in life, and it may or may not include the people that we have came to depend upon. I have come to accept that, slowly but surely.

It's over.

I went to Orchard for the first time in god knows how long with a friend after today's paper.

Friend: why were you staring so hard at that couple?

Me: Oh I thought the girl was a former classmate of mine.

Friend (shooting me an incredulous look, and speaking in a tone that screams CANNOTMAKEIT!): Are you sure? The way she's dressed looks like she hasn't been to Orchard before.

Me: . . .

* * *

Fuck better get back to work. I need to study 4 credits worth of stuff in under 10 hours for the paper tomorrow.

MSN nick of a friend: A Laborious Labour Day.

I really can't stand The Dance Floor commentary.

Full Circle.

I got my last university assignment back yesterday.

I saw young kids going for the law interview.

I need to return my mailbox key.

Friend (whose exams are over): YES! I'm a law graduate.

Me: Yeah yeah, I'm still a bloody student.

Friend: Can you update your blog? It's still the "STOP POKING ME ENTRY." I've seen it on my screen 10 times.

Me: How can you have seen it 10 times. I just wrote that today!

Friend: Yes. I refuse to believe my rss is working. How can not a single soul update their blogs!

CAN PEOPLE STOP POKING ME ON FACEBOOK.

Btw what's poke for?

5pm.

Me: I'm LOGGING OFF MSN to study.

1opm, I log on.

Friend, instantaneously: YOU'RE ON MSN!

Me: Shuddup lah. 5 min only. I came online to wish people good luck for exams tomorrow. And read blogs.

Friend: noble cause!

I was sending the sister somewhere and the radio was set to perfect 10. Some dumb pop song was playing.

Sister: I bet you don't know who sang this.

Me: Sounds like Britney Spears.

Sister: (in a tone that says i'm damn stupid): Britney spears is in REHAB.

Me: who cares.

Me: Do you watch Heroes?

Student: No.

Me: Nevermind. You're as cool as this character in that TV show. You can TELEPORT! See! In one sentence you can change the tense four times! past-future-present-past.

Student: . . .

The English tuition student wrote: ... and I turned off the lights...

Me: It should be switched off the lights.

Student: can it be put out the lights?

Me: Yes, if you are King Arthur and putting out the candle chandelier above the Round Table. For modern switches like the ones you have in this room, how do you put out the lights? Go to your main circuit board and short-circuit it?

Criminal law tuition session:

Student: the defender... the defender... the defender...

Me: Brudder, you think soccer ah, WHAT DEFENDER. It's either the accused or the defenDANT.

* * *

Discussing a criminal law hypothetical question...

Student: causation is the mother poisoned... causation is the defender.

Me: Do you find this really difficult? Because if you do, you may want to take some time to improve your English before resuming law studies.

Me: Bumped into the professor. The professor said the exam paper is fine.

Friend: Fine?

Me: Yeah, like we can definitely do it.

Friend: Of course we can 'do' the paper. We can even do it like shit and get an F.

[Intro]
Ladies and fuckin gentlemen (Whassup)
It's the kings of fuckin crunk (You know it)
Me, your boy Lil Jon, Lil Bo, Big Sam
On the motherfuckin track, Rick Rubin (Yeah)
I don't think y'all ready for this shit (y'all ain't ready nigga)
Nothin but some real gangsta shit (gangsta shit)
For them niggaz and bitches out there (Yeah)
Now I'm havin a hard fuckin life right now (a hard life)
And I'm gunna give y'all some of my fuckin pain

[Hook - 2X]
Why you fuckin wit me?
Stop fuckin wit me!
Don't be fuckin wit me!
Stop fuckin wit me!

* * *
English Tuition student: I don't understand.

Me: Actually I intended to pass you a CD with more wholesome songs. But it's ok. Consider this cultural immersion. This song tells a story about the frustration of gangsters in the States. Notice how they keep repeating fuck this fuck that. This is exactly how people who don't study English properly end up. They can't find proper words to express themselves so they use fuck as a verb, noun, pronoun, adverb, and even punctuation. Oh yeah, fuck is a bad word by the way.

Host: "What was the toughest moment for you?"

"The Dance Floor" Contestant: "there are many tough moments..."

* * *
I switched off the TV right away. SPAM. On state TV no less.

Sometimes I give my English tuition students CDs of songs for them to figure out the lyrics and explain them to me.

Me: How was the song? Managed to figure it out?

Student: what's the meaning of "if you fuck with my grip I won't hesitate to let off a clip."

Me: WHAT?

And then I realise I passed him the wrong cd. The intended song was "I don't want to be" by Gavin DeGraw.

I can't believe the kid insisted I explain the unintended song to him. And I can't believe I did despite the parental advisory label.

A friend recommended me a blog for its hilarious Singlish (terrible English). It belongs to a make up artist.

Quote no 1:

"better dun step into fashion sow line if not u going to feel the pain hurt & sadness I'm feeling now is not good"

Quote no 2:

"Early afternoon I help sweetie Clara's bf younger sister do makeup ya is her porn night tonite wor Thanks for her support lah.."

* * *

For a moment, I really thought it was porn night, until the friend pointedly remarked that the blogger meant PROM night.

Exam strategy:

Friend: Eating helps.

Me to sleep.

Eye drops. Check.

Panadol. Check.

Cold showers. Check.

Throwaway bed. Check.

Throwaway XBox. Check.

Metal cuffs and chain to chain myself to the table. Check.

Key to metal cuffs thrown away. Check.

Delete MSN and blogger. Unchecked.

I received these by email from people I nod Hi- bye to in school:

1. Dear H,

This is xx. All the papers are done today, right? Congratulations to each other! The next thing is to prepare for the formal exam.Have you started to review the course? Do you keep the notes in that course?

Best regards,
xx
China Exchange student.

2. (No Dear H, no Hi, no nothing)

Could you send ower your banking notes today. I'm sorry if you interpreting this as too demanding but I think that I really need them. Otherwise if we don't see each other before the exam I wish you good luck with the preparation.

Z, Another Exchange student.

* * *

Reader participation:

• Sushi Tei Lunch in Singapore is on me for the person who comes up with the best reply to the above emails.
  
• You may submit replies via the comments function (recommended) or my email if you have it. (not so recommended).
  
• Lunch claimable after exams end DUH (May 3rd), but before pupillage starts (June 1st)
  
• Anyone can participate. You can be a blog stalker, a stranger, a friend, anyone. Just remember to leave a name or alias.
• Closing date: 19th April, 2359 hours.
  
• Best reply will be announced on 20th April, (one week from now).
  
• It is suggested that you come up with a reply first before reading what others have posted in the comments. Unoriginal replies will not qualify.
  

Ok I lied. There's going to be more blogging after all.

Bongs read the comments in my post on ass cracks and the following conversation ensued:

Bongs: What's KNNCCB?

Me: It means, (and I am diluting the vulgarity of it heavily here) F**king C**t

Bongs: I see. Heheh. Can I see xx's blog?

Me: It's locked.

Bongs: KNNCCB!

...we were talking about other things... 5 min elapses..

Me: K, study time for me.

Bongs: k..cnnkkb...err...bbckkcnn... CNNBBC!

I'm dead for exams. I have 20 credits of exams. First exam in 10 days. Amount of studying done: zero. No more blogging until May 3rd.

I went to some cafe at Jalan Kayu for supper last night. I won't go there again. The only wait staff I saw kept flashing customers with her ass crack. It's not good to flash people if you're not hot, and worse still if you have a pimply ass. I couldn't eat my fish and chips with the pimply ass roaming around the place. Pimply ass: ketchup sir?

My friend, who goes by the alias BONGs, has invited the entire ICF team to visit him here for callbreak 2008. I am thoroughly thrilled! This is going to be the best reunion ever.